Why kids become over-reliant on their parents?

In one of my ‘cleaning’ session (yalah, a stay-at-home-mum must do some cleaning mah..), a thought suddenly occurred to me. I was struggling to fix back the stand fan after giving it a thorough cleaning, and I was having such a hard time. I had to figure out what fit where, so that everything sits in nicely. I almost gave up, and was going to just say “ What the heck, leave it to hubby, afterall it is his forte.” But I gave it a few more go, and there it goes, I can do it too. Who says women can’t dabble in technical stuffs?

Well, I was not going to ramble on about the fan, I just suddenly thought the reason why I have that inclination to put off trying. My hubby is the type of person who would come to my rescue, every time I can’t fix anything in the house be it the breadmaker, the curtain railings, the computers, my handphone etc. So, I had actually become over-reliant on him and always take the easy way out! (It is not really a bad thing though since it makes him feel useful! Ha!)

Anyway, I figured the same thing must be the reason for my daughter being too dependent on us. Since I was working most of the time, (before I quit my last job) I naturally always have that guilt, that I never spend enough time with my kids, so all the more I push myself to be the perfect mummy (almost impossible) , trying to achieve everything at home after office hours. I would do the house-cleaning, the laundry, the cooking, the homework coaching, exam mugging etc etc. So, I guess I was trying to be there every time my kids need me. I would be beside her whenever she has problems in her homework (in between laundry task. Familiar for some mothers out there?), reminding her about spellings, or ejaan for the next day, checking all her books to ensure no homework is left undone etc. I guess she had become over-reliant on me, so much so she doesn’t do her own scheduling or planning.

Now that she will be stepping into Standard Two next year, I guess I will have to let go gradually. Parents have to learn to let go as their kids grow up. (heard this somewhere). I will need to sit her down one day (when the mood is right) and try to tell her this. I will give her the due freedom she needs, but in turn, she needs to understand that she has to take responsibility in her own daily life!

So much for the fan!

Hooray! Exam over!

This week, I am tied up with exam revisions with my daughter and son. It is more like me sitting for the exams. That explains for the long period of my not blogging.

Yeah! Today is the last day of exams, and it also means Papa and Mummy merdeka also. Well, there is a lot that I learned from this past one week, not mugging for the exams, but it terms of parenting. Well, we learn all the time, don't we? And sometimes, I think parenting theory probably can be applied at workplace for managing colleagues, bosses etc. Ha!

First, patience is golden, not silence. Kids temperamental varies, and when it comes to the mood, sometimes she may be in a mood for learning, sometimes, she just plain shut off, so we as parents have to be patient. Even when she throws a tantrum, we have to look at things from another perspective, put ourselves in her shoes, is she too tired, does she need a break? When she makes a mistake, we have to repeatedly explain. (Trust me, it is not easy, esp. when my daughter is just out of sync, and do not want to listen). Isn’t this familiar, at your workplace too? Don’t you have staffs, that need constant reminders too, but still make mistakes all over again?

Sometimes, we need to listen to them more. You will be surprise sometimes, what they think/say actually make sense. “Mummy, teacher only let us answer these by choosing the A, B, or C.” It suddenly occurred to me, that she is right, I have been letting her practice on workbooks that probably have higher standards than required – she just needs to answer the objective answers, instead of writing answers in sentences.

Creativeness also plays a part in making parenting less stressful. Maybe instead of the usual reading and writing, we can make learning more fun by thinking up other activities. My kids enjoy scribbling on the white board. At home, we have a white board which they can write their spellings or put their artistic talent to play. This takes off some pressure from the actual learning. Instead of memorizing multiplication tables, we have them in songs which they can hum even when in the car.

When my daughter is having one of her temper, she often loses herself. Sometimes, she screams, or cry , bargaining for less worksheets to do etc. The important thing for a parent to do in such situation is to immediately cool down, take deep breath. I often send her off to cool down (take a stroll around the house, jump on the I-bouncer, face the wall and have some time-off, or take a bath). This serves as a cooling period for me too. And when she is back, she is often better. Then, I will reason with her. Sometimes, she is able to accept my explanations.

Scheduling is important. As my daughter has a jugdging character, she likes to be told her revision schedule, eg. 2 hours of revision and after that it is TV time. If she doesn’t cooperate and we runs off the schedule, her TV time is automatically taken off. If all’s well, a promise is a promise, give her some time in front of the square box!

Just as adult like to receive their annual increment/ bonus during performance appraisals, children also get motivated when we occasionally give them a pet on the back, and tell them “good job done, great effort etc.” Rewards must be measurable, specific, timely and fair. My kids have a weekly star collecting chart which papa promises a KFC meal for good behaviour, or a favourite princess/ooh notebook. A word of caution, the novelty of these rewards can wear off pretty fast and become non-effective, so we have to always think of some other ideas.

So, happy parenting!

Banana Muffin

Sometimes, the kids like to "help" in the kitchen. Today’s post will be just to jot down grandma’s infamous muffin recipe so that grandma feel proud for her contribution to this blog. It is so easy to make and yummy too!

Ingredient:
Flour 250gm
Sugar 200 gm (can be lessen, depending on preference)
Eggs 2 big ones
Sour cream/Yogurt 200 gm (I modified and used fresh milk)
Oil/ Buttter 90ml
Banana – 4 or 5 “biji” smashed
Raisins - optional

Instructions:

1. Preheat oven at 180 degrees (celcius)
2. Beat the eggs until it has plenty of bubble.(My kids go “whoa” and “can already” when it is all fluffy.)
3. Then, add the sugar, oil and milk slowly, one at a time. And continue beating the mixture until light and creamy.
4. When it is well mixed, add in the banana.
5. Lastly, fold in the flour (do not use the beater for this step).
6. Then add in the raisins.
7. Place 14 to 15 paper cups into muffin tins. Spoon batter to fill half of each case.(my daughter is good at filling up the cups. Her small hands are quite steady already)
8. Bake in oven for 40-45 mins or until golden brown.


Though Uncle Chun is far away in Kuala Lumpur. Here is your birthday muffin! Happy Birthday!

Just Do It!

Life decisions are often difficult to make. Sometimes, after we have taken the plunge, we think back and may start to waver. This is made worse when we start pondering the consequences of our actions. Whether it may be for better or worse, sometimes only time will tell. At times, some of us may tend to be affected by what others around us might comment. Or what others may innocently blurt out as passing remarks may make us think and lose sleepless nights.

Anyhow, whether the decision is to make sacrifice of one’s career opportunities for the sake of one’s children or family. Or to make a career switch that is the total opposite of one’s original vocation, one should be truthful to one self and ask some of these questions:
- What are my personal priorities?
- Will I be happier staying at home, with the kids, spending my time understanding their temperament, be there for all the tantrums, homeworks and spellings, hugs and kisses and of course be able to proudly say, “I manage the home well” (never ask for perfection though)
- Will I be able to work at home and be financially independent too? (In Malaysia, this aspect is a bit tough and many mothers are trying hard to break into this trend since society/employers are not supportive of flexi hours, or work-from-home arrangements. I am still trying!)
- If I switch career, what do I like doing most and yet, I can support my current lifestyle? Do I have sufficient knowledge in the field which I am going to pursue? And the ultimate question, will I be happy?

Sometimes, these questions cannot be answered once and stay stagnant. We might change our thinking or opinions as time progress. Maybe in a year or two, when a good opportunity turns up, or when the kids get a hang of school life (no need for mummy to keep tabs on schoolwork) or when it gets plain boring at home (with no topics to blog about!), then it is time to move and make that life decision again. Maybe that decisions may also change in a week or two!

The essence of it is, we make out what our life is, and we face the consequences. There is no need for us to bother what others do, usually do, should do, or will do. Just do it, and just do it our way!

World Apart!

Sometimes, when I look at my two kiddoes, they seem to be world apart, although they come from the same “factory”.

My daughter seem to be the more imaginative and creative one; she could make her own Barbie doll dresses with just a piece of cloth and some ribbons.
My son is the one who is able to follow thru lego instruction booklet and build the most complicated dinosaurs that a 5 year old can make. On the contrary, my daughter would build her self designed houses/animal because she thinks following the instruction is just too cumbersome.

That I would think would define my daughter to be a more “intuiting” child and my son to be a more “sensing” child. One like to imagine her own world, while the other like to stick to the rules.

When first introduced to strangers, my son will seem to be the shy one, but after a while, he is always the one who is able to lure new friends, (usually boys!) with his toy cars/transformers and they will be zooming and kabooming here and there. He can even play with his sister’s friends when they were over for a play session. On the other hand, though my daughter makes friends at school without any problems, but she takes time to warm up to people.

I cannot specifically place them, but I guess at one time or another, they just are more inclined to be introvert or extrovert, but not specifically one or another.

I am not sure if it is age or their personality. My son seem to be more a “feeling” person, more emotional and sensitive to another being. And of course he cries more often. And he likes my hugs and kisses too. For one, grandma trick him for one or two kisses and he always oblige. My daughter seem the more tough one. Even when she lost her beloved handbag last Sunday, she did sob a little but I was surprise, she was able to get over it in less than an hour. I guess Papa’s treat of McD worked. I guess maybe she is more the ”thinking” one.

So, there you go my little mar and venus. Though they seem world apart, the important thing is they are able to iron out their differences and as their parent, I should understand their different personality, and try to tailor my parenting style to suit them.

Super Standard Ones!

Wah, our Education Ministry must think that we have super duper Standard Ones kah? I was going through the Malay subject with my daughter and guess what they are learning?

"papan kekunci, tetikus, pengimbas, laman web, komputer berinternet etc...” on one chapter. Ok, maybe we didn’t have these in our times because of computer system was not so common then.(kebelakangan already,… sign). Bet some of you dunno those terms right?

Then there is another chapter, “ perpaduan, berbilang kaum, kemerdekaan”, figuratives like, “jatuh terkorban, cahaya mata”. Can you imagine what my daughter asked me, “He fell down ah?”

On one hand, the ministry is saying that we must have all-rounded students, on another, we see students needing to learn all these terms by hard, since they are like jumping from ABC, to suddenly needing to learn difficult words and even make sentences with them! From the carefree kindy (I made sure my kids go to kindy that emphasise not only on academic, but also on moral and emotional intelligence), after they step into Std one, it is like stepping into “no fun” land. They have to learn penjodoh bilangan, kata tanya, kata hubung, kata ganti nama etc. And mind you, not the easy ones eg. “buah, batang or biji”, they are now at “sikat, bilah” etc. and not just “ dan, atau” they are even learning “ sambil, apabila, bagaimana, mengapa etc”, all in a matter of days and without much drilling or exercises from the teacher.

Seems to me like, they are cramming all there is to learn into one year, whereas, we used to only start to enjoy the beauty of the Malay Language by reading everyday , “ Ahmad pergi ke sekolah, Ali dan Ahmad ialah kawan baik”. Simple, but at least, I could slowly master the basic which is what is essential instead of just “learning without understanding”.

I am not sure what is the objective of all these. Shouldn’t we as adult, give the children the correct perspective and mindset. Now that many of these Chinese medium students are so petrified of the subject, I am not sure if we achieve anything by jumping the gun and letting a 7 year-old learn what a 9 year-old used to be learning.

I just hope and pray my daughter is not turned off in the other subjects as well. A lot of coaching is needed after school. It is no more just the happy-go-lucky yester years we enjoyed when we were sevens. I pity her at times, but yet, I have to guide her to the needful, even though I don’t agree that she has to memorise or learn not only the name of shapes and colours but also, “how many sides, how many concave areas, how many points”. Gee… learning is not so fun anymore.

Dare to be Different

I hope this is good enough to add to my blog here. Well, probably just some of my rants and thoughts.

Ever since I stopped work, I know there have been many questions as to whether I would stop work totally, as in retire out of the corporate world, be a stay-at-home mother. Many questions loom in many people’s mind including some of my closest relatives who actually has my best interest at heart, I should think so. And of course there are those gossipers who won’t stop at predicting the worst possible reasons there can be.

Since young, I had always done things out of my own inkling. I am not someone who will just follow the herds or the majority. You see even when choosing college or country to further my studies, I had always dared to be different. When most of my close friends chose Singapore colleges, I chose a college in KL, When mostly went on to Singapore university or twinning programmes, I went straight for the UWA tertiary programme in Western Australia. Although I made new friends, but it is just lonely at times. But I guess when I see something ahead of me which I think warrant changes or different action, I will just step into it with no regrets.

I hope I can say the same thing now. Opting out of my permanent and stable job and working from home. I just feel that my family needs me more than my being trapped in a considerably high-paying job which at the end of the day, just makes me so tired out and pressured to even enjoy my family life.

If you ask me how it has been these 2 months at home. Well, I should say, “Very Good!”. At least I think I have managed to really spend time having fun with my kids, doing things we didn’t have time to do together before! We washed the car, played UNO, played jigsaw, made muffins etc etc. I hope the list goes on and I have more to add. I loved it, the kids too! It is so rewarding to hear my son saying, “ Mummy is my no. 1 person!”

And on her revision, my daughter is now more on track, although she is still struggling with her Malay Language. It takes time and a lot of patience. But I can see now, that she actually listens. I am trying to cultivate the smart learning habit instead of rote learning without much understanding. She is beginning to understand the need for her to concentrate in school and during revision time, as I made it clear that these are rewarded with playtime and tv time. She still needs a lot of coaching and reminders. Children are just as human as any of us. We need to be sensitive to their feelings and need for space. So, clear instructions and schedules are drawn out, and if she is able to follow thru, she will get to relax thereafter.

Well, I wouldn’t say that I won’t step out there to work at all. It will be perfect if someone would offer me part time jobs where I can balance both work and family, and be self-sufficient at the same time. If a good offer come by (I am still going for interviews), I will go back there. All I am saying is my priority is my family! I don’t think that is too much to ask for, is it?

It is just that again, I dared to be different. And everyone is asking “You are not working ah?” , “ You study so hard, then now don’t work, wasted lah…”

Well, how many of you out there, dare to be different?