Appreciations

My girl has been bringing lunch boxes to school on the days she needs to stay back in school, since last year. SRJKC schools have extra classes for students in Std 5 and 6 three days a week and students in Std 4, 5 and 6 have activities day once a week.

So, I will normally have to make preparations on the night before, wake up at 5 am and cook rice or noodles with dishes for lunch to be in time for the kids to bring to school, as the school bus comes at 6.15am. Starting this year, my boy has to stay back in school every Wednesday for activities. So, he was very excited and kept asking me what was I going to prepare for his first lunch in school (this was in Feb, I think)

I have written previously about how different are my 2 kids. My girl begin the non-expressive person, have not much comments on the food I prepare except if she thinks it is too much and she cannot finish them. Even if it is yummy, she will only comment if I ask her how she likes the food.

But with my boy, he anticipated the first ‘lunch’ day and in the morning, he peered into the wok and after finding out what I prepared, he exclaimed in a very happy voice, “ hmmm…. Smells so nice, what if I cannot stand it, and eat all of it even before lunch!” This was for their favorite chicken curry dish I cooked with fried egg, veg and rice. And later, after school, he mentioned, “I even let my friend try, so that he will envy me….”

So, it is all these simple things that makes me feel all the warmth and makes it worth the while. I bask in glory, by simple gestures like this, and I feel so fulfilled , looking at their beaming faces, while appraising my cooking. (of course, there are some downsides, when some cooking are not to their liking - I encourage them to give constructive comments too , if they do not like certain cookings). Even my girl now, is more expressive, since the other day, she told me she enjoyed her lunch , even though she was just at the gate, after returning from school!

So, here’s to many more cooking mornings!

Swimming lessons

The kids have been going for swimming lessons every weekend  (except for when the coach called in sick!). So far, so good, really crosssing my fingers! You see, I never force the kids for extra-curricular lessons, except when they seem to like a particular activity, but past experiences made me wise up.

I have been cracking my head hard, trying to think of some skills which the kids can learn up, besides academic lessons. My daughter has displayed interest in arts. So, when she was 5 years old, we sent her for arts lesson. At first, she enjoyed the crayon colouring and we would painstakingly encourage her and put up her drawings in the house. However, after a few months, her interest started to wear thin and she requested to stop the lesson.

We notice that she always starts shaking her body when she listens to any music at the shopping mall or at home and she seems to have the flair for dancing. So, we brought her to the dancing studio and asked her, 'Would you like to take dancing classes?' She nodded her head eagerly and off we went to register her. She liked the class at first, but after that she could not follow the steps because the teacher was teaching her as she would for those 1 or 2 years older than her. She was taller in size than others her age, so even at 7 years old, she looked like a 9 year old. So, the teacher changed her to another class with those her age, but the dance steps were too boring for her. So, we stopped her lessons after a while.

Learning my lessons, I gave them preliminary piano lessons by myself (instead of sending them for classes) just to gauge their interest. And all this was done at free will, no forcing or coaxing. But I guess, it will not work without constant practising.

So, I thought, maybe they should learn something that can make them exercise as well as play!

My boy wanted to take up taekwondo. We enquired here and there and when we were about the sign up for lessons, my hubby suddenly found out about this swimming lessons held at the sports club nearby. So, every weekend, the kids will look forward to their twice a week lessons, and hopefully, they can swim better than papa and mummy after 10 lessons ! (BTW, it cost RM250  inclusive of entrance fees to the sports club)

Your child is not your child!

So, I came across a saying 'Your child is actually not your child'. Irony, isn't it? I gave birth to him, of course he is mine.

What this statement is trying to tell us is there is a separate identity between our child and us although he is born and bred by us. We should treat him like another individual and not put high expectation on him. Our duty is just to be there to guide and nurture him to be useful beings to the society with the good qualities and right attitudes.

So, there is a little balancing act to do. You do too little, you are not a good parent. You do too much, you are expecting too much and your kid will not like it. As a wise parent, we should try to let them learn as much as possible on their own though our presence is very important to guide them whenever it is needed. Sometimes, it is easier said than done. We learn to let go when we should and we learn to hold the reins when needed.

With this, I should be able to take my daughter's result more lightly. I cannot expect much more, since she has to realise it herself. Afterall, I was there to guide her, perhaps now I have to change the method a little more so that she gets more receptive.

Well, parenting never gets easier.

Misunderstood!

The day started off quite badly today. I might have been right at the onset, but I delivered it quite badly, and in the end, I was in the bad light.

Looking at myself in the past few days, there are things that happened which I could have just stopped myself, and things would not turn sour. It is because of my actions that made me misunderstood. So, let’s try another way. No action, no response when you are not in control. Only say or act when you are more in control of yourself.

Sometimes, action can be misunderstood. So, I shall tell my kids and John more that ‘I love them’ and hug them more. Do not ask for reciprocal love. Just love unconditionally.

What I resolved (not) to do?

1st April
You know, I have been losing my cool again these few days. The kids have been rather stubborn and would forget simple things that need to be done. This is especially the case with my daughter.

She would not close the door when she goes to the toilet, or change her clothes anytime, anywhere. We told her countless time that she is growing up and she needs to know how to conceal her nakedness, but she would still be the same. She cannot be bothered to flush the toilet after use, and makes the toilet all smelly.

These day, with the crazy weather, I will ask them to drink a lot of water. 2 bottles a day, 1 bottle before school and one bottle at the school. That is not too much, right? But they will not finish the water. And I will be at wit’s end, worrying whether they will get sick etc.

School work is not heavy these days, coz many of the teachers don’t come to class. That is another problem. But anyway, with the few homework, she still would not write the Daily Homework List, though I have reminded her countless times. Things that she uses/takes out from the cupboards will lay there, until I tell her to tidy up. Sometimes, I wonder if she is just plain lazy or really absent minded.

I know I should be patient. Actually, I have been, haven’t I? But I also believe, that we should not give in to the kids all the time, or they will start to climb on top of your head and demand the heaven and earth. So, what should I do? The feeling was lovely, after I came back from the Round Table 3-day training. But, how do you sustain it? How do I keep the cool and calm spirit in the face of reality? How do you not get agitated when you face countless heartbreaking situation?

I may not have the answer. But I do know that it might be true she is absent minded, it might be true that she is lazy. And since I know she is like that, why should I get all angry? I should think of another way to get out of this. And since I am the adult, I should have more control on my feelings and action.

Love her unconditionally. Ask yourself, are any of the above very detrimental to her I don’t nag her.

Closing toilet door and nakedness – she will learn eventually. So let it be. Try not saying it for a week.
Flushing toilet bowl – the most is the toilet bowl gets yellow. She will also learn eventually. So let it be too.
Water – I still will continue make them drink more water. But perhaps, I shall relax from 2 bottles to 1 and half of a bottle. Maybe I will use other more interesting ways to make them see that water is important for our body.
Daily Homework List – if she does not update in the list, it does not mean that homework/correction does not get done. It just means that she is not conscientious (as usual). So, as long as she knows how to take out her homework (without me nagging her), it should be acceptable. This is quite hard to ignore for me. I will still stress the importance for Hahn and remind her daily, and hopefully, she will follow too.

So, that is what I will do. And wish me success in the coming week, ok? Hopefully, I will not nag again. (ya, right...)

Perseverance

I must quickly jot this down here, before I lose the formula (like scientist only hor...) Oh, you see, my specimen is one of the most stubborn species who will not budge or listen and I think this type of species is going to extinct soon. And this is what makes it all the more dear!

Anyway, yesterday, after many years of trying the old formula, I actually embarked (actually after many days of tolerance and deep breaths) on a new method. So, again, she did a slugglish attempt at her BM homework. For that, came more "+ve encouragement", more Maths sum. She budged reluctantly and came back with 8 out of 10 incorrect answers. I gritted my teeth. What should I do? No ugly scene. So, I let the specimen grind herself on the sofa and she continued her whining with promises of 'no TV, no computer games, no anything!' She persevered, I did too!

Then, this morning, I told her "no TV time today because you didn't finish your Maths yesterday". I got the younger brother to tone down his TV volume. She whined somemore. I explained coolly, how she should do her Maths questions, "With your heart" and after that you can join your brother. And I went off with my chores. And when she was done, I was pretty proud to say, she got them all correct! I showed her the comparison with yesterday's work and she seem to understand that there was no need to fight a losing battle.

So, persevere. Hope I need not resort to this again and hope my dearest princess can go back to the sweetie she was 2 days ago without me having to use this formula at all. The key word, right time, right mood, let's persevere on the right note!

To let go or not

When I share my problems relating to my kids, people often say and advice, “It’s time you let go and give them space.’’ This is one difficult question. Most of the time, it is easier said than done. So, to what extend do we let go ?

At work, I can make hundreds of decision so naturally. But when it comes to your dear ones, you fear the consequences and whether you made that right decision. Maybe to some of you out there, it is simple, but to me I find it really tough deciding whether I should check my daughter’s homework. Or if whether if I check her homework, and find out that she made mistakes, should I point out to her? Or l should I let her learn a lesson.

I think there is no right or wrong and there is no definite answer to this. Maybe if she checks her own homework, she will learn to take charge and be more responsible. Maybe if she is corrected by the teacher, she realizes how grave are her mistakes and why she needs to buck up. The “maybes” can go on. But since I have done one way for so many years and it didn’t work out for my daughter, why not I try another way.

Bah! I will just follow my instinct. In the end, I know I love her and I also want her to be happy. Ultimately, what do I want? Does it matter? It’s her life, I will just lay it in front of her, but she decides for herself. What if she make the wrong decision? Well, with a heavy heart, we observe from the sidelines and try to offer her support as best we can. I will make sure she knows Mummy loves her no matter whether she knows her multiplication tables or division sums. If she stumbles, it is still not the end of the world. The sky still has not fallen.

So, this morning, I took the first step (or second?) I let her decide whether she will do her Maths/ Chinese. She cried and threw tantrum, I kept quiet and hugged her, and told her Mummy loves her. She still wouldn’t budge on her maths. I told her firmly, tomorrow you still have to do it. So, is that “letting go or not”?

Good communication is everything.

This week is a week where both work and home front isn't quite smooth going. Workwise, I don't want to mention much because it is utterly useless to waste my blog space for something beyond my control. However, from this week's experience, I do learn that with different people, we have to communicate in different way. Though we may think we are right, but due to the circumstances, and for sake of putting up with appearances, we might want to tone down and tackle the issue in a more subtle way.

At home, after the exams, things did not get more relax as I thought it would. for some reasons, Wen seems to get agitated more often and Hahn is noisier than usual. So, besides tackling their occasional bickers, we had to also tackle the Wen who is now getting all relaxed and to get her to work again needs to take more effort.

So, you see, the exams are over. And the kids are expecting a little relaxing time, and mummy too. Unfortunately, during the weekends, there was tonnes of homework. Imagine, 15 pages of Mathematic homework. There was some Mandarin writing, calligraphy etc.

After that, the tuition homework in the weekdays was quite tough too. So, that’s where the pressure was. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I checked my girl’s bag, and found her Mathematics exam paper. The result was not good at all, considering the amount of effort. Anyhow, we wanted to know if it was her lack of effort to understand the questions and attempted the questions half-heartedly or the questions were beyond her capability. So, after some lecturing, we sent her to bed. Begin the worried freak, this morning, I told her some more stuffs, why she should try harder, that mummy will try to help her understand the problem questions. That is when she told me in a agitated manner, “ Don’t say already”. This is what always breaks my heart. So, she finds me naggy already. I told her a matter of factly, “ I will only stop telling you in 2 conditions. One, when you are already good and sensible enough. Two, when I am dead.”

After that, I told myself. This is a great challenge. It may not work overnight or in 2 months. But one day, she (they) will know my good intention for them, my sacrifices etc. I shall persevere and keep hoping that they will somehow improve. Maybe, my method of communication need to be changed. I need to find a more effective way to get the message across. I will not repeat if it will not work.

Whatever comes, whatever pressure, I have to manage better.

Dog or No Dog?

The latest topic in the house is about the word ‘dog’. It probably started because I was toying with the idea of letting the kids have a pet since they have never had one, except for some small fishes. Actually, my idea was to get something small and manageable, eg hamster or rabbits. This is to let the kids learn to take responsibility and also to cultivate their caring attitudes towards animals. But recently we saw some puppies at a pet shop while out for lunch, and there you go, it is “dog-talk” everyday.

The puppies we saw were some mix breed of chi hua hua dog and miniature pinscher. My husband wanted to get a small dog that can be brought around even when we travel on trips and that can be trained. And most importantly, it cannot be too expensive (of course $$ is the biggest concern), considering we are going to be amateur dog rearers!

So, we told the kids the conditions before getting the dog. We told them that they need to show us that they need to be able to take care of themselves first before they want to take care of the dog. By that, we meant that, they will need take responsibility for their own schoolwork, toys, other belongings, their own cleanliness etc. etc.

The next thing they talk about is about where to put the dog. My husband suggested the toilet, since we have to train the dog to poo-poo at the right place. He even wanted to let the dog wander around in the house! By now, I am beginning to think this is not a good idea. Eeeks! As it is, I have tonnes of housework to complete after work, some more need to take care of another life in the house, which may be running around the house, messing up the place.

Gee, cannot lah, not good idea… but then, all three of them are already very enthusiastic about it. I don’t want to be the wet blanket. Me and my big mouth…

How to manage one’s temper?

This is something that I have not been able to master for so many years. But it is also something that I feel I am in better control when I am at work, rather than at home. Why? Probably at work, one tend to be more civil, courteous and watchful of one’s action, keeping up with appearances etc. However, at home, since you are all comfortable, and it is like the balloon beginning let off its air, you tend to heave a sigh of relief and let go! Phew! And that is when there is no refrain and you say what you want to say.

So, how to prevent from saying the wrong thing and doing the regrettable at home?

Sometimes, when the kids are at loggerhead with each other, I tend to lose it. Resolution: I resolve to walk away the next time it happen again, never taking sides again, never saying ‘you should this , you should that’.

Sometimes, when my daughter repeats the same mistakes or is being lazy at schoolwork, I tend to lose it. Resolution: I will tell her in a firm tone, making sure it is not in any way, intimidating or seen as scolding her. I resolve to listen to her more and after that reason with her. If explanation not taken, I will find a more suitable time to broach the subject with her.

Sometimes, when I have too many things to do at home and everything seems to be waiting for me to complete, I tend to lose it. I would try to prioritise my tasks. The ‘to-do’ list is never ending and one can never complete them. So, I resolve to take things easy. Outsource wherever possible, otherwise close one eye to all those dirt and grease. (this I learn from my husband!)

This is my very own resolution list for year 2009. (Is it too early for a resolution lists?) Maybe more will come. Just one to keep myself in perspective since I am stepping into another “life”.

The kids get chicken pox!

Strike 4D already! Both the kids have chicken pox! So, this is something for all mothers to take precaution of. Even though your kids may have already been vaccinated for chicken pox, they may get infected with the virus again. Beats me, but it happened!

Last Wednesday, my daughter told me, “Mummy, I have 2 spots here on my belly. “ I didn’t think much of it and sent her off to school. And the next morning, “Voila, what do we have, 2 kiddoes with spots all over the body”. Even my son have those spots with watery stuffs in it, though considerably mild.

So, the doctor confirmed its chicken pox, we are all grounded for 2 weeks at least. And the kids will have to miss the school concert which has been scheduled for this Friday (14th Nov), I guess. It is a real pity since they have already prepared and rehearsed for it. What more, my son is to get the much awaited prize for winning 2nd place in his kindy class.

Well, now, I am cracking my head over how to entertain these 2 kids who have too much time at home and what to cook for them taking note of all the taboos (dark sauces, beans, prawns, chicken, eggs are to be scrapped from the menu). So, it is quite a challenge too. And on top of that, there is a third patient in the house, the papa has a swelling gum due to a major dental surgery on Friday!

So, the things I cooked for the patients range from macaroni, noodles in anchovies soup, promfret porridge, pork porridge, bee hoon soup. I gave them mushroom soup too, but I guess that should not be given as well. Running of of ideas soon!

They have done almost all the things we can think of eg. played dinosaurs, Barbie dolls, build contruction lorries, played Jumpstart, watched Atlantis, Madagascar replay, drew Papa bear, done some holiday homework etc. I guess we will have to reserve the other activities for the many more days to come.

The other Chinese taboos, means the kids can’t take bath, wash hair, go play outdoor, etc etc. Anyway, I thought otherwise, so I let them take their daily bath, with warm water and wash hair on alternate days. I believe they have to be kept clean and cool, so that the blisters don’t get infected or multiply.

Other to-dos means making them a lot of cooling stuffs eg. barley water, liang cha, let them take pearl powder, yellow coconut juice etc. All these must be taken in moderation, in case their cough comes back.

The poor kids kept complaining of itchiness, esp. my daughter since she has some really big blisters. So, I started telling them my very own experience with chicken pox which was much more worse than theirs. And they were rather consoled and started asking, " Did you have them in your hair, eyes, belly button too?, Did you look into the mirror?". So, the Princess Scratch-All and Mr. Tortoise Eat-Slow kept jabbing me with questions about my own quest with the irritable ordeal.

Can’t spend time blogging too long, need to get back to the kids.

Kids Game

The kids thoroughly enjoyed some online games in the weekends. Let them take a break since the exams are over. Well, actually mummy has some hidden agenda. Some of the games eg. Kidsknowit, Starfall is suppose to be educational. But I think at the same time, it is not too stressful type.

My girl loves the memory game at KidsKnowIt, because she could finish all 11 levels twice! But next, I will like to find some more relaxing games for her to balance up. And the little boy likes some leaping frog and dinosaurs (as usual) games. Kidsknowit is probably for children age 7 and above. But my son likes to do whatever his sister does.!

For the younger kids there are other games eg. PBSKids, Noggin.com, NickJr, SesameStreet and many more.

Sometimes, interactive games are good for kids, esp. in this modern age. But we don’t want them to lose control and spend all day in front of the computer. So, I always only allow them an hour in front of it. And we have to be selective in the games they indulge in. I will definitely rule out those violent games!

Why kids become over-reliant on their parents?

In one of my ‘cleaning’ session (yalah, a stay-at-home-mum must do some cleaning mah..), a thought suddenly occurred to me. I was struggling to fix back the stand fan after giving it a thorough cleaning, and I was having such a hard time. I had to figure out what fit where, so that everything sits in nicely. I almost gave up, and was going to just say “ What the heck, leave it to hubby, afterall it is his forte.” But I gave it a few more go, and there it goes, I can do it too. Who says women can’t dabble in technical stuffs?

Well, I was not going to ramble on about the fan, I just suddenly thought the reason why I have that inclination to put off trying. My hubby is the type of person who would come to my rescue, every time I can’t fix anything in the house be it the breadmaker, the curtain railings, the computers, my handphone etc. So, I had actually become over-reliant on him and always take the easy way out! (It is not really a bad thing though since it makes him feel useful! Ha!)

Anyway, I figured the same thing must be the reason for my daughter being too dependent on us. Since I was working most of the time, (before I quit my last job) I naturally always have that guilt, that I never spend enough time with my kids, so all the more I push myself to be the perfect mummy (almost impossible) , trying to achieve everything at home after office hours. I would do the house-cleaning, the laundry, the cooking, the homework coaching, exam mugging etc etc. So, I guess I was trying to be there every time my kids need me. I would be beside her whenever she has problems in her homework (in between laundry task. Familiar for some mothers out there?), reminding her about spellings, or ejaan for the next day, checking all her books to ensure no homework is left undone etc. I guess she had become over-reliant on me, so much so she doesn’t do her own scheduling or planning.

Now that she will be stepping into Standard Two next year, I guess I will have to let go gradually. Parents have to learn to let go as their kids grow up. (heard this somewhere). I will need to sit her down one day (when the mood is right) and try to tell her this. I will give her the due freedom she needs, but in turn, she needs to understand that she has to take responsibility in her own daily life!

So much for the fan!

World Apart!

Sometimes, when I look at my two kiddoes, they seem to be world apart, although they come from the same “factory”.

My daughter seem to be the more imaginative and creative one; she could make her own Barbie doll dresses with just a piece of cloth and some ribbons.
My son is the one who is able to follow thru lego instruction booklet and build the most complicated dinosaurs that a 5 year old can make. On the contrary, my daughter would build her self designed houses/animal because she thinks following the instruction is just too cumbersome.

That I would think would define my daughter to be a more “intuiting” child and my son to be a more “sensing” child. One like to imagine her own world, while the other like to stick to the rules.

When first introduced to strangers, my son will seem to be the shy one, but after a while, he is always the one who is able to lure new friends, (usually boys!) with his toy cars/transformers and they will be zooming and kabooming here and there. He can even play with his sister’s friends when they were over for a play session. On the other hand, though my daughter makes friends at school without any problems, but she takes time to warm up to people.

I cannot specifically place them, but I guess at one time or another, they just are more inclined to be introvert or extrovert, but not specifically one or another.

I am not sure if it is age or their personality. My son seem to be more a “feeling” person, more emotional and sensitive to another being. And of course he cries more often. And he likes my hugs and kisses too. For one, grandma trick him for one or two kisses and he always oblige. My daughter seem the more tough one. Even when she lost her beloved handbag last Sunday, she did sob a little but I was surprise, she was able to get over it in less than an hour. I guess Papa’s treat of McD worked. I guess maybe she is more the ”thinking” one.

So, there you go my little mar and venus. Though they seem world apart, the important thing is they are able to iron out their differences and as their parent, I should understand their different personality, and try to tailor my parenting style to suit them.